Thirty

Flowers For My Thirtieth 

I wanted to write something about turning thirty because it felt like a bit of a big deal, entering another decade, a milestone. I kept putting it off because it seemed a little self indulgent and also, is thirty actually a big deal? Now that I am thirty I don't feel any different, in fact, internally I still feel like I'm in my early twenties. I haven't got the responsibilities that many thirty-somethings do have, like a mortgage, a marriage or children, maybe that's why I still feel relatively young and carefree? Despite this I do feel like I am a little wiser than I was in my twenties and so even with my reservations I decided that I did want to write something down, if only to have a few words to look back on in years to come.

The feeling of being wiser boils down to three main things that I've learned and that have helped me find peace in my life, I'm sharing those three things here. They are personal so forgive me for exposing some of my deepest feelings, being open and honest takes courage. 

Learning To Forgive

The following isn't news, I've touched upon it before, it has even informed my art work. In order to explain what I've learned I have to tell a bit of a story. My parents separated when I was seven, my dad left to live with another family. My brother and I continued to see our dad and we continued to live in the house with our mum that he paid the mortgage on even though he wasn't there anymore. Years later when my brother and I had reached adulthood he decided to sell the house so that he could forge a new life by buying a property of his own. I took it hard. When you feel like you're being pushed out of the home that you spent nearly 20 years in, where all of your childhood memories are, it hurts deeply. Upset turned to anger and I didn't speak to my dad for a long time. Even though there was rationality to what he was doing, I couldn't see it. I was annoyed that while he was using the house-sale to fund buying a beautiful home in an idyllic part of England, my mum, brother and I had to move from a village into a small house in an estate location in town. It felt unfair, like we were going backwards. My resentment was painful, it ate me up. I hated not being able to talk to my dad but at the same time I couldn't forgive what he was doing, all those heavy feelings from childhood came flooding back and the only way I could deal with it was to ignore him, to stay silent when he was there, to avoid him altogether. 

We moved into our new house and some months later dad came round to say goodbye as he was moving to a new home in a county over four hours drive away. As he turned to walk out the door my emotions got the better of me, tears welled up and I couldn't take it anymore. The bitterness that I'd lived with for years was too much to bear, I decided there and then to forgive him and to work at having a father/daughter relationship again. It wasn't easy and there are still times when I think about how different our lives could have been if we'd stayed together as a family but I try not to let those thoughts interfere with reality. Broken families are so normal that it's heartbreaking and my story is similar to so many. When feelings are hurt and lives are changed it can be easier to block out the emotions and ignore the problem but in my case it made me too sad. Life is too short to hold on to grudges and I feel much better having a relationship with my dad. In my case learning to forgive has been freeing.

My Own Path

Deciding to be an artist, to travel and to do things my own way has not been easy. When I was younger I thought I would do certain things by a certain age; mortgage by 28, child by 30. I didn't anticipate that I'd take a year out to study a Fine Art MA or that travel would make my heart sing so much that I'd go on two long backpacking trips. Mortgages and children take sacrifices and I was too busy enjoying the freedom of not having those things. But living life this way did make me question myself, no one else in my family had done this. Was I doing life the wrong way round? It seemed like adult life should follow a set route; marriage, a mortgage, then children, then once the mortgage was paid and the children had grown you could start enjoying yourself. But personally I was too impatient and worried that I wouldn't make it to retirement age, a little morbid but that's just how my brain works. What if I spent my life working and paying bills only to keel over before I got to see the world and enjoy pottering around? I had worried that I was being left behind in the life stakes, with friends and peers owning homes, having good careers and making family plans before me. But I came to the realisation that I wasn't doing anything wrong, neither were those living life the opposite way to me. With time I realised that we're all doing what we think is best for us, we all want different things out of life and we all have our own ideas about what makes a good life too. I'm moving into my thirties feeling happy and content with what I have achieved so far and excited for what's to come. 

Self-acceptance

Shyness, introversion and being overly sensitive. All me, and all things that I've found painful growing up. Being an INFJ personality type who is also shy and a bit socially awkward is something that I've beat myself up over in the past. I've told myself to try and be more outgoing, to go and start a conversation with that person, to 'get out of my shell'. But I like my shell, I like my own company and quiet moments to think and daydream. Rather than try and change my whole personality I decided to embrace it. Reading up on what introversion means and finding similar souls on social media has definitely helped. I will always be that shy freckled girl, hiding away at a party, letting everyone else talk. I will always be the listener, the quiet thinker who doesn't always feel comfortable in groups of three or more. That's alright, if you're happy with yourself even if you are a little different then brilliant, don't try and change. 

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Forgiveness, forging my own path and accepting myself. It feels like I have come a long way over the last decade and a bit of adulthood. As I'm a few days into a brand new decade I am going to take what I have learned and expand on them, with the hope that the older I get the more I can learn about the world and about myself too.

Any thoughts or comments are most welcome but please remember that I am a real person, putting my heart on my sleeve and speaking from my own experiences and learnings. My writing isn't perfect but I hope you can understand the gist of what I am trying to say and I'd love to know if you have any wisdom to share. Be kind, always. 

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Artist Interview: Claire Cansick

I'm a curious type; I like to know what informs an artist. Who or what do they look to for inspiration? How do they work? Each month I will be asking an artist I admire a few questions, this month is Claire Cansick.

Gentleness Clears The Soul, 100cm x 150 cm, oil on canvas

Claire, your work deals with landscape and the human form, what is it about these two very different subject matters that fascinates you?

I love to draw  and this was ignited when I was very young but when I began life drawing at art college I realised how much the figure interested me. There is an instinctive human connection that we feel when looking at figurative art and when I explore the figure in my work it is that I try to tap into. It is very much about looking inside myself and takes an immense amount of energy to produce. 

Landscape is almost the flip side of my work- looking out, connecting with the environment, feeling my presence as part of the whole. I practice meditation and this helps me cultivate the connection, be mindful of it. My landscapes have developed over time to an interest in the trees and woods around where I live, their diversity, atmosphere and colour.

Painting and drawing appear to be your favoured methods of creating, what do you love about painting in particular?

I have never been taught 'how to paint', as I concentrated on printmaking and drawing at art college, so there is a real element of experimentation involved- you could say I'm making it up as I go along! I really enjoy discovering ways to use oils and they are beautifully deep and rich to work with and provide the best depth of colour.

The Poachers, 76cm x 51cm, oil on canvas

Trespassing For Art V, 90cm x 60cm, oil on canvas

You are a member of The Arborealists, an artist collective who deal with trees and the landscape, do you find being in an artist group helpful?

Tim Craven - founder member of The Arborealists - is a wonderful advocate for art and conservation and is one of the most enthusiastic and inspiring people I've had the pleasure to work with. The group is so professional and works very hard providing opportunities to exhibit all around the UK and Europe. I find being a member exciting, rewarding and am so looking forward to the programme this year.

I adore the vibrancy in your paintings, is making work with a lot of colour important to you?

Colour really interests me, especially since reading Joseph Albers' 'Interaction Of Colour' and I use the landscapes in particular to explore it by using limited palettes to see what I can achieve. I tend to look for recessive colours which allows me to abstract whats in front of me and when looking at other painters work I like to try to to decipher technique and colour layering. 

Whenever, 40cm x 50cm, oil, ink and pencil on gessoed wood panel

You're based in Norfolk, how does the local area influence your landscape paintings?

There is a lot of open land in Norfolk and it is so typically English- fields lined with old oak trees smothered in ivy, copses and woods all over the place. I live opposite a small wood so I see it every day, changes in light and colours occur minute to minute and that is a big influence. My mother was raised in a very rural village and her enthusiasm and love for the countryside has been passed on to me. An artist friend and I often go on drawing jollies, go out in the car around Norfolk to wander, draw, take photos and warm up after with a pub lunch! And we visit galleries, we call it working!!

Trespassing For Art, 40cm x 30cm, pastel and pencil on painted paper

Cawston, 40cm x 30cm, pastel and pencil on paper

What artists (living or dead) inspire you?

Where do I start?! The list is so long and includes Victor Passmore, Milton Avery, Edvard Munch and Henri Matisse as some of the biggest influences for their use of colour, line and pure imagination. Contemporary painters include Billy Childish- who is one of my major influences, his work completely fascinates me and I also love his writing. Luke Hannam is another painter who is a relentless Instagrammer, incredibly prolific and imaginative and inspires me every day with his extensive exploration of ideas, wonderful drawings and love for art.

Tell me about your studio or creative space?

I work in an open plan studio space with 30 people with a massive array of creativity in the heart of Norwich. It is in the Norwich Lanes which is a wonderfully diverse area of independent businesses. The spaces are not enormous and there's no heating but I find going there allows me to switch off from other parts of my life and really immerse myself into my work. I wouldn't be without it.

I love learning random facts about people, tell me three things about yourself. 

• I have three gorgeous children who are really encouraging and supportive of their slightly weird mother.
• I'm fiercely loyal but I don't suffer fools!
• I'm a ridiculous cat person, I have two maincoons and adore them, they often pop up on my instagram feed.

Finally, where can people follow your work online?

@clairecansick on Instagram
@clairecansick on Twitter
clairecansick.com

You can sign up for irregular emails at www.clairecansick.com/contact and I promise not to bombard your inbox!

Thank you to Claire for taking part in my artist interview series. I'm sure I'm not the only one that would like to join Claire and her artist friend on a 'drawing jolly' with a pub lunch included, that sounds like the best kind of day. Claire has several exhibitions coming up this year and also sells her work in her online shop. Please click the following links to learn more: Claire Cansick Exhibitions / Claire Cansick Online Shop. #clairesunite

If you'd like to take part in my artist interviews series then please do get in touch at claireleanneleach@gmail.com. 

If you enjoyed reading then please click the heart at the bottom, share or better still leave me a comment, I love reading them. ❤️

From The Road

While on my travels I was surrounded by inspiration. Landscapes took my breath away, hours upon hours on buses afforded me time to mull over my experiences and a few tiny sketches on postcards were all I had in place of a studio practice. I'm not a great artist/traveller. When I'm travelling I'm doing just that, making my way from place to place, seeing all there is to offer, zooming around the sights. Making work while away doesn't come easily to me and it didn't when I was on my last big trip either. I made some postcards and drew a couple of sketches but that was it, in eleven months my pen had hardly touched the paper. There just wasn't always time or space, when there was time I'd draw but it would take such a long time to finish one postcard that I wasn't left with much finished work. When I returned home I decided that I really wanted to create a body of work inspired by my big trip, I wanted to make drawings from the tiny postcards and use photographs from the journey as a starting point for new sketches. In order to fuel the project I booked a slot in a local gallery so that I'd have an end goal, a place where I could bring everything together and show just how inspiring the journey was. 

Pucon, Chile, 21cm x 14.9cm, pen on paper

Twisted Trees in Tierra del Fuego, 21cm x 14.9cm, pen on paper

The exhibition will be called From The Road, a nod to Jack Kerouac's On The Road  which I read not long before setting off in September 2016. I am in the middle of creating work for the show at the moment, I have several drawings already made which can be viewed on my website here. In viewing the drawings in real life I hope the viewer will see the detail that I have attempted to capture and the overall impression of the landscape when you stand back. Each time I create a piece I am transported back to the place where it is inspired by, be it standing on top of a pass looking out over snowcapped mountains or in a forest surrounded by trees, mud and mist. If you are local to Hampshire then I'd love for you to see the show in person, details are on the poster below which was kindly put together by Bea at Sheep Shed Gallery.

If you enjoyed reading then please click the heart at the bottom, share or better still leave me a comment, I love reading them. ❤️