The Golden Forest

I’ve just returned from a short break to the Forest of Dean, a place I have mentioned many times before. It’s my ‘childhood happy place’ and somewhere that holds a lot of treasured memories. This years visit was particularly special as my partner and I went in celebration of our anniversary - 12 years together. It was also our last little getaway before our baby arrives in January. Not only was it special for those two reasons but also because the autumn colours were so vibrant this year; richer and deeper gold, orange and yellow hues than I’ve ever seen before. It felt as though the trees were really putting on a show for us, to make our escape even more precious.

Last years trip to the Forest of Dean inspired many drawings and was the catalyst for starting the woodland studies series which is ongoing and a project that I particularly enjoy working on. It seems a shame that I rarely work with colour nowadays as this time it wasn’t so much the tiny details of the woodland that captured my attention but the incredible copper colours. Perhaps this will signal a change in my practice, from intricate monochromatic drawings in pen to abstracted landscapes focused on colour? Only time will tell.

I hope you enjoyed these photographs taken by my partner Craig Pendrill. The Forest of Dean is located in Gloucestershire on the English/Welsh border.

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A Little Life Update

This journal has always been a space to share a little bit of everything; personal thoughts on life as an artist, exhibition summaries and for a big chunk of time an insight into my travels when I spent nearly 11 months backpacking, that seems like a lifetime ago now! As an artist I feel like all sorts influences my work and so it’s important to keep note of whats happening as a change in circumstances might be the catalyst for change in my art practice. With that in mind I wanted to share two life updates, one of which is very significant.

The first is that my partner and I are in the process of buying our first home. We’ve been together for 12 years but never lived in our own home together, rented or otherwise. In those 12 years I’ve lived in Cheltenham to study my BA in Fine Art, he has rented a room from a friend, we’ve spent a total of 19 months backpacking the globe together living in camper vans, hostels and hotels and we’ve lodged with my family. Finally, we will have a little place to call our own. North Hampshire is a pricey part of the U.K. to get on the property ladder (due to its proximity to London) so it hasn’t been easy and with me being a full time self employed artist we are only able to use my partners wage to get a mortgage. Still, we are chuffed to bits that soon we will have the keys and be able to hang all the art and illustrations that we’ve collected over the years as well as display all our travel photographs.

The second and most exciting piece of news is that my partner and I are expecting our first baby! Little one is due at the end of January and we couldn’t be more thrilled. Watching my bump grow over the last few months has been magical and we cannot wait to welcome him/her to the world. Of course, having a baby is life changing and will affect every aspect of my life and especially my art practice. In fact, baby isn’t even here yet and already so much has changed. I haven’t felt in the right frame of mind to create work for some time, the nausea at the beginning of the pregnancy, the overwhelming tiredness and the raging hormones have all contributed to me slowing right down. I’ve been trying not to berate myself for this as it’s just what my body needs at this time and I’ve been extremely fortunate in that working from home I can allow for time off without letting anyone down.

I’ll be the main caregiver to our baby as we need my partners wage to pay the mortgage and bills and I hope that in time I’ll be able to return to some of my work, squeezing in the odd drawing between the chaos. I will not be going on ‘maternity leave’ as such, I receive so few orders that I imagine I’ll still be able to pack and post any that I do receive (though there may be a slight delay) and financially I won’t be in a position to turn down any sales or opportunities to make a few pennies, the pursestrings will be very tight for some time going forward. I envisage that new drawings will be very few and far between and that my social media channels and journal entries may look totally abandoned but hopefully that’ll all be temporary and I’ll be able to bounce back.

It’s been really lovely keeping this news private for us to enjoy with our family and closest friends for so long but as I enter the final trimester I felt it was the right time to share, I didn’t want anyone wondering what on earth had happened to me come January when I’m no longer able to draw/make/share anything!

Thank you for following along with my art life so far, I hope you’ll stick around while I start this new chapter. I promise I won’t be bombarding my journal/social media with all things baby. If you’d like to help financially support this artist mama-to-be (home buying and having a baby are rather expensive things - especially at the same time!) then don’t forget to take a look at my online shop which is currently filled with lots of intricate original pieces of art ranging from £10 - £300.

If you enjoyed reading then please click the heart at the bottom, share or better still leave me a comment, I love reading them. ❤️

Thirty

Flowers For My Thirtieth 

I wanted to write something about turning thirty because it felt like a bit of a big deal, entering another decade, a milestone. I kept putting it off because it seemed a little self indulgent and also, is thirty actually a big deal? Now that I am thirty I don't feel any different, in fact, internally I still feel like I'm in my early twenties. I haven't got the responsibilities that many thirty-somethings do have, like a mortgage, a marriage or children, maybe that's why I still feel relatively young and carefree? Despite this I do feel like I am a little wiser than I was in my twenties and so even with my reservations I decided that I did want to write something down, if only to have a few words to look back on in years to come.

The feeling of being wiser boils down to three main things that I've learned and that have helped me find peace in my life, I'm sharing those three things here. They are personal so forgive me for exposing some of my deepest feelings, being open and honest takes courage. 

Learning To Forgive

The following isn't news, I've touched upon it before, it has even informed my art work. In order to explain what I've learned I have to tell a bit of a story. My parents separated when I was seven, my dad left to live with another family. My brother and I continued to see our dad and we continued to live in the house with our mum that he paid the mortgage on even though he wasn't there anymore. Years later when my brother and I had reached adulthood he decided to sell the house so that he could forge a new life by buying a property of his own. I took it hard. When you feel like you're being pushed out of the home that you spent nearly 20 years in, where all of your childhood memories are, it hurts deeply. Upset turned to anger and I didn't speak to my dad for a long time. Even though there was rationality to what he was doing, I couldn't see it. I was annoyed that while he was using the house-sale to fund buying a beautiful home in an idyllic part of England, my mum, brother and I had to move from a village into a small house in an estate location in town. It felt unfair, like we were going backwards. My resentment was painful, it ate me up. I hated not being able to talk to my dad but at the same time I couldn't forgive what he was doing, all those heavy feelings from childhood came flooding back and the only way I could deal with it was to ignore him, to stay silent when he was there, to avoid him altogether. 

We moved into our new house and some months later dad came round to say goodbye as he was moving to a new home in a county over four hours drive away. As he turned to walk out the door my emotions got the better of me, tears welled up and I couldn't take it anymore. The bitterness that I'd lived with for years was too much to bear, I decided there and then to forgive him and to work at having a father/daughter relationship again. It wasn't easy and there are still times when I think about how different our lives could have been if we'd stayed together as a family but I try not to let those thoughts interfere with reality. Broken families are so normal that it's heartbreaking and my story is similar to so many. When feelings are hurt and lives are changed it can be easier to block out the emotions and ignore the problem but in my case it made me too sad. Life is too short to hold on to grudges and I feel much better having a relationship with my dad. In my case learning to forgive has been freeing.

My Own Path

Deciding to be an artist, to travel and to do things my own way has not been easy. When I was younger I thought I would do certain things by a certain age; mortgage by 28, child by 30. I didn't anticipate that I'd take a year out to study a Fine Art MA or that travel would make my heart sing so much that I'd go on two long backpacking trips. Mortgages and children take sacrifices and I was too busy enjoying the freedom of not having those things. But living life this way did make me question myself, no one else in my family had done this. Was I doing life the wrong way round? It seemed like adult life should follow a set route; marriage, a mortgage, then children, then once the mortgage was paid and the children had grown you could start enjoying yourself. But personally I was too impatient and worried that I wouldn't make it to retirement age, a little morbid but that's just how my brain works. What if I spent my life working and paying bills only to keel over before I got to see the world and enjoy pottering around? I had worried that I was being left behind in the life stakes, with friends and peers owning homes, having good careers and making family plans before me. But I came to the realisation that I wasn't doing anything wrong, neither were those living life the opposite way to me. With time I realised that we're all doing what we think is best for us, we all want different things out of life and we all have our own ideas about what makes a good life too. I'm moving into my thirties feeling happy and content with what I have achieved so far and excited for what's to come. 

Self-acceptance

Shyness, introversion and being overly sensitive. All me, and all things that I've found painful growing up. Being an INFJ personality type who is also shy and a bit socially awkward is something that I've beat myself up over in the past. I've told myself to try and be more outgoing, to go and start a conversation with that person, to 'get out of my shell'. But I like my shell, I like my own company and quiet moments to think and daydream. Rather than try and change my whole personality I decided to embrace it. Reading up on what introversion means and finding similar souls on social media has definitely helped. I will always be that shy freckled girl, hiding away at a party, letting everyone else talk. I will always be the listener, the quiet thinker who doesn't always feel comfortable in groups of three or more. That's alright, if you're happy with yourself even if you are a little different then brilliant, don't try and change. 

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Forgiveness, forging my own path and accepting myself. It feels like I have come a long way over the last decade and a bit of adulthood. As I'm a few days into a brand new decade I am going to take what I have learned and expand on them, with the hope that the older I get the more I can learn about the world and about myself too.

Any thoughts or comments are most welcome but please remember that I am a real person, putting my heart on my sleeve and speaking from my own experiences and learnings. My writing isn't perfect but I hope you can understand the gist of what I am trying to say and I'd love to know if you have any wisdom to share. Be kind, always. 

If you enjoyed reading then please click the heart at the bottom, share or better still leave me a comment, I love reading them. ❤️