Thirty

Flowers For My Thirtieth 

I wanted to write something about turning thirty because it felt like a bit of a big deal, entering another decade, a milestone. I kept putting it off because it seemed a little self indulgent and also, is thirty actually a big deal? Now that I am thirty I don't feel any different, in fact, internally I still feel like I'm in my early twenties. I haven't got the responsibilities that many thirty-somethings do have, like a mortgage, a marriage or children, maybe that's why I still feel relatively young and carefree? Despite this I do feel like I am a little wiser than I was in my twenties and so even with my reservations I decided that I did want to write something down, if only to have a few words to look back on in years to come.

The feeling of being wiser boils down to three main things that I've learned and that have helped me find peace in my life, I'm sharing those three things here. They are personal so forgive me for exposing some of my deepest feelings, being open and honest takes courage. 

Learning To Forgive

The following isn't news, I've touched upon it before, it has even informed my art work. In order to explain what I've learned I have to tell a bit of a story. My parents separated when I was seven, my dad left to live with another family. My brother and I continued to see our dad and we continued to live in the house with our mum that he paid the mortgage on even though he wasn't there anymore. Years later when my brother and I had reached adulthood he decided to sell the house so that he could forge a new life by buying a property of his own. I took it hard. When you feel like you're being pushed out of the home that you spent nearly 20 years in, where all of your childhood memories are, it hurts deeply. Upset turned to anger and I didn't speak to my dad for a long time. Even though there was rationality to what he was doing, I couldn't see it. I was annoyed that while he was using the house-sale to fund buying a beautiful home in an idyllic part of England, my mum, brother and I had to move from a village into a small house in an estate location in town. It felt unfair, like we were going backwards. My resentment was painful, it ate me up. I hated not being able to talk to my dad but at the same time I couldn't forgive what he was doing, all those heavy feelings from childhood came flooding back and the only way I could deal with it was to ignore him, to stay silent when he was there, to avoid him altogether. 

We moved into our new house and some months later dad came round to say goodbye as he was moving to a new home in a county over four hours drive away. As he turned to walk out the door my emotions got the better of me, tears welled up and I couldn't take it anymore. The bitterness that I'd lived with for years was too much to bear, I decided there and then to forgive him and to work at having a father/daughter relationship again. It wasn't easy and there are still times when I think about how different our lives could have been if we'd stayed together as a family but I try not to let those thoughts interfere with reality. Broken families are so normal that it's heartbreaking and my story is similar to so many. When feelings are hurt and lives are changed it can be easier to block out the emotions and ignore the problem but in my case it made me too sad. Life is too short to hold on to grudges and I feel much better having a relationship with my dad. In my case learning to forgive has been freeing.

My Own Path

Deciding to be an artist, to travel and to do things my own way has not been easy. When I was younger I thought I would do certain things by a certain age; mortgage by 28, child by 30. I didn't anticipate that I'd take a year out to study a Fine Art MA or that travel would make my heart sing so much that I'd go on two long backpacking trips. Mortgages and children take sacrifices and I was too busy enjoying the freedom of not having those things. But living life this way did make me question myself, no one else in my family had done this. Was I doing life the wrong way round? It seemed like adult life should follow a set route; marriage, a mortgage, then children, then once the mortgage was paid and the children had grown you could start enjoying yourself. But personally I was too impatient and worried that I wouldn't make it to retirement age, a little morbid but that's just how my brain works. What if I spent my life working and paying bills only to keel over before I got to see the world and enjoy pottering around? I had worried that I was being left behind in the life stakes, with friends and peers owning homes, having good careers and making family plans before me. But I came to the realisation that I wasn't doing anything wrong, neither were those living life the opposite way to me. With time I realised that we're all doing what we think is best for us, we all want different things out of life and we all have our own ideas about what makes a good life too. I'm moving into my thirties feeling happy and content with what I have achieved so far and excited for what's to come. 

Self-acceptance

Shyness, introversion and being overly sensitive. All me, and all things that I've found painful growing up. Being an INFJ personality type who is also shy and a bit socially awkward is something that I've beat myself up over in the past. I've told myself to try and be more outgoing, to go and start a conversation with that person, to 'get out of my shell'. But I like my shell, I like my own company and quiet moments to think and daydream. Rather than try and change my whole personality I decided to embrace it. Reading up on what introversion means and finding similar souls on social media has definitely helped. I will always be that shy freckled girl, hiding away at a party, letting everyone else talk. I will always be the listener, the quiet thinker who doesn't always feel comfortable in groups of three or more. That's alright, if you're happy with yourself even if you are a little different then brilliant, don't try and change. 

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Forgiveness, forging my own path and accepting myself. It feels like I have come a long way over the last decade and a bit of adulthood. As I'm a few days into a brand new decade I am going to take what I have learned and expand on them, with the hope that the older I get the more I can learn about the world and about myself too.

Any thoughts or comments are most welcome but please remember that I am a real person, putting my heart on my sleeve and speaking from my own experiences and learnings. My writing isn't perfect but I hope you can understand the gist of what I am trying to say and I'd love to know if you have any wisdom to share. Be kind, always. 

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Celebrate Your Success

Selling A Drawing And Feeling That Buzz Of Excitement  

The start of the year was tough. Like many I wasn't filled with excitement for the new year ahead, more a feeling of anxiousness and a worry that I was somehow failing at life. I'd had an exciting 2016/17 and now had to face facts, the money I'd saved had gone and in order to support myself I'd have to go out and get a job. I couldn't work out if I'd made a mistake by abstaining from the 'job hunt' for so long, now the idea of returning to employment filled me with a rush of queasiness; I felt a distinct knot in my tummy and a flush of red to my cheeks every time the thought entered my mind. Over the past five months I'd cultivated a life that suited me down to the ground. I'd wake up when I felt ready, eat breakfast and drink tea leisurely before getting started with a drawing in my makeshift studio. I'd write a little bit or record a video for Instagram. I'd sit in the quiet listening to the starlings fight over the last of the sour grapes on the vine outside and contemplate what I was going to make next for my next exhibition. I liked working alone. Having no one else to answer to and no small talk to make around a coffee station was ideal. Every action I took in a day was down to me, I wasn't working to anyone else's schedule or fulfilling anyone else's dream. I was doing things for myself. To know that my luxurious existence was coming to a close was difficult. 

I didn't handle this idea of change very well. I felt teary a lot and resentful that others got to live their dream and I didn't. I knew that my circumstances were completely different to those I felt jealous of too, they'd worked hard for years to get where they were. I'd spent those years travelling, studying and working temp jobs because there were no art based opportunities in my area that filled me with joy and I wasn't prepared to commute or relocate for them. After feeling like I was walking around with a cloud of negativity around my head I decided to change my mindset. I gave myself some time to relax, to forget about it all. I binge watched Friends on Netflix eating leftover Christmas chocolate and tried to free myself from all the guilt, negativity and the feeling of January blues. 

I started looking at the positives. And there were so many that I'd overlooked. I noticed that little things were going right in my art business. I'd reached 1000 followers on Twitter and much more importantly I'd found a network of supportive online friends who shared my work, complimented my drawings and sent me ‘happy dance’ gifs when I'd made a sale. And talking of making sales, I'd made quite a few. December had been a tough month in my online shop. While I watched lots of other artists and makers make lots of sales in the run up to Christmas I'd made none until just before New Years Eve. Then after I updated my shop with the remaining postcards from my 100 Day Project I made a sale, and then another, and then another. By the 11th of January eight of my drawings had been sent to new homes and I felt a resounding sense of relief and pride in myself. I'm not one for bragging but I couldn't help but share my good fortune on social media. I'd made something with my own fair hands and people liked what I'd made so much that they spent their actual money on it. I made a pact with myself there and then that I would always celebrate a sale and always make a big deal of it. With a new feeling of accomplishment I tweeted that you should always celebrate your successes. When you make a sale no matter how small, when you get your first commission enquiry, when your website reaches a few more people than the week before. Not every day will be one that you want to shout about, I for one have more off days than great days but when there is something (no matter how small) to celebrate make sure that you do. Just the act of creating and being brave enough to share it with the world is worth shouting about. 

What have you done recently that is worth celebrating? Did you make a sale of your art work or write a blog post that you’re super proud of? Let me know in the comments below and remember to give yourself a pat on the back for doing what you do and not giving up.

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2017: In Review

Drawing While On The Road

If you've been following along with my online journal then you'll know that I spent the first half of the year oversees backpacking from country to country. You'll have seen that nearly all my writing from the past year and a bit has been travel themed, in fact I've written 69 blog posts covering in detail the places I've been and the sights I've seen. I wanted to do a short review of my 2017 but I didn't want to recap on all of the travel adventures I've had this year because frankly I'm sure those of you who have followed along are probably sick of hearing about it and I have toed the line of becoming a real travel bore. Instead I wanted to spend a few sentences reviewing my time since returning home in July and the small but significant things I've acheived.

Costa Rica III, 21cm x 29.7cm, pen on paper

Costa Rica IV, 21cm x 29.7cm, pen on paper

When I came home I was tired, and when I say tired I mean exhausted. Despite the travel fatigue I was itching to get back to drawing. I'd managed to make several small postcard sized drawings while away as well as some watercolour experiments in a sketchbook and I was dying to translate all my travel inspiration onto paper. I made a series of drawings in pen inspired by the postcards I'd made while away, experimenting with different paper types and materials. Simultaneously I decided to open an online shop on my website for the very first time. I'd had a go at Etsy in the past but it was half-hearted and I had never made an online sale. The drawings I listed were from the 100 Day Project that I'd completed in 2016, I'd made 100 postcards; one each day that included detailed landscapes in pen, ink splatters, sketches in pencil and a few with coloured watercolour. Instead of letting them lie in a box I thought I'd list the first 50 at £20.00 each to try and generate a little bit of income and to see my art go to good homes. I was surprised to sell 3 postcards in the first 3 days and reassured to know that the postcards while not perfect were valuable enough to offer. 

A Sold Postcard

A Sold Postcard

I'd always said that I wanted to avoid finding employment until at least September to give myself a bit of breathing space after a hectic 11 months away. When I went backpacking the first time I was away for eight months and then once home I was back in work the following Monday which was a shock to the system. This time around I'd managed to keep some savings intact and knew I had enough to be comfortable and pay bills for a good couple of months. September rolled around and I'd made 3 more postcard sales, my savings were still looking healthy and I was really relishing the freedom to create although the enquiries from well meaning family and friends regarding a job was becoming tiresome and leaving me feeling somehow that I was being lazy by not actively seeking work in the traditional sense. 

A long weekend in Cornwall in September to visit my dad was a highlight of being home, Craig and I also decided to become National Trust members which had been a dream of mine for many years. Yes, I've always been a little old before my time! In September I'd made a drawing inspired by a sketch from my travels of a crumbling leaf, I posted the drawing on Instagram and was surprised to receive an enquiry to buy it which led me to make four more drawings in the same vein, one of which sold the day I posted it on Twitter to a buyer in the United States. 

Tatty Leaf 3

Tatty Leaf 4

I'd established a routine for the week and tasted what life could be like as a full-time artist. Each week I'd spend a morning making to-do lists in my new bullet journal and writing in my online journal, catching up on my travel tales. The rest of the time I'd draw, make short time-lapse videos of my process and occasionally use Instagram Live to connect with my followers. I also started taking part in weekly Twitter chats which not only gave me a community to be part of but also helped me grow my Twitter following substantially from roughly 300 followers to 900+. I worked on improving my website by researching SEO (search engine optimisation) techniques and by making my site look as uniform and professional as possible. When the odd sale did come through I'd carefully package the drawing, write a thank you note and take a stroll to the post office. Evenings were spent making dinner for the whole family once they'd all returned from work and I'd taken the initiative to make most of the household chores my responsibility. 

I booked a local gallery space for July 2018 to exhibit work inspired by my travels and so a large portion of my time was devoted to making drawings that could be framed and exhibited, knowing there was a goal in mind pushed me and kept me going with my drawing. While my travels were of course a huge inspiration I also started to find that the British countryside was catching my attention again. In November Craig and I celebrated 11 years together with a trip to the Forest of Dean, my favourite place from childhood and I made a series of drawings inspired by the woods there. One of the drawings was made into a giclée print after a few trials, I was pleased to sell 3 prints at the tail-end of the year and felt hopeful that more would sell in due course. 

Woodland Study I, 14.8cm x 21cm, pen on paper

Woodland Study I, 14.8cm x 21cm, pen on paper

I also worked on a five day project where I drew a tree native to the U.K each day using images sent to me by the public via Twitter or images found on social media that I sought permission to use. The mini-project was not only a lot of fun it generated some interest in my work and led to an enquiry for a possible tree related commission. I'd been approached in October by a prestigious British fashion brand to work on some drawings that could be used in their new line but unfortunately after a few emails back and forth this never came to anything. To be approached again by a different company to possibly work on something tree related was a huge confidence booster, I can only hope the opportunity does come my way for certain in January.

Oak, 25.4cm x 17.8cm, pen on paper

Ash, 25.4cm x 17.8cm, pen on paper

Ending 2017 with 13 sales made, a huge growth in website traffic, a tripling of Twitter followers and a couple of confidence boosting commission enquiries were all fairly small steps to hopefully bigger things. I have had to start applying for jobs in order to fund my practice and to make sure I can keep paying my bills but I have decided to take the step to only work a maximum of 30 hours a week if possible to allow time for art and creative pursuits. Craig and I hope to be able to buy our own home this year and so the temptation has been to find a job that works a lot more hours to save but I don't want to corner myself into working so much in a day job that my art practice gets left behind as it has done in the past. 

I can honestly say that I'm so happy I gave myself the last five months to make art and experience life as a full-time artist and small business owner. My hope is that in 2018 I can work on my first commission, make more prints for my online shop, sell more originals, have a successful exhibition in July, increase my website traffic and not let self doubt get in the way of my dreams. 

Have you written a review of your year or hopes and goals for 2018? I'd love to read if so, let me know in the comments below. 

If you enjoyed reading then please click the heart at the bottom, share or better still leave me a comment, I love reading them. ❤️