2020: In Review

Well, where to start?

It has been such a challenging year and I’m saying that as a person with privilege. I cannot begin to imagine how hard this year has been for those working as nurses on the frontline of the pandemic, the essential workers, care home staff, those already in financial constraints who have had to face job losses. Those that have lost loved ones. My heart really goes out to you.

I usually do a round up of my year, the positives and the negatives but this year it just doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve continued to make work and I’ve managed to care for my beautiful son full time too. To me that’s a huge achievement and all I really want to focus on.

So, if this year has been difficult for you and you feel guilty for not doing or achieving everything you wanted then please, let yourself off the hook. You’re still here and that’s enough. If you can, try and think of the positives that this year has brought you. I hope there has been something. For me it’s meant more time with my partner as he was forced to work from home. But it’s also totally okay to feel broken by this year of never ending bad news. Be kind to yourself.

As always, I’m here if you ever need a friendly ear. Just send me a message or an email. And remember you are not alone. None of us are alone. I’m wishing you a lot of love and I just hope that in the not too distant future we can see and hug our families again. If this year has taught us anything then surely it’s shown what is really important?

Best wishes for 2021 and I look forward to sharing my art and life with you then.

2019: In Review

2019, what a year.

A Collection of Commissioned Floral Drawings

I experienced the most change in 2019 than at any other time in my life. The year started with me being very heavily pregnant, anxiously waiting for exchange and completion on our first home together. The keys came in mid January and we had just enough time to give the flat an almighty clean and with (a lot of) help from friends paint a few rooms. We moved in and on the 8th February (nine days overdue) our son Harrison arrived. The next days/weeks passed in a blur. Sleepless nights, breastfeeding struggles, spontaneous tears all mixed in with pure joy, moments of disbelief that we had made something so perfect and a constant feeling of adjustment.

In April I picked up a pen to draw for the first time since Harrison arrived, I managed some simple sweet peas in fountain pen. In May we took a trip to Cornwall to visit my dad, it was our first little family holiday and felt so needed. In June I started working on a new ‘woodland study’ drawing for an exhibition with The Arborealists; an artist group whose focus is on trees. It was an honour to be asked by founder Tim Craven if I would take part in the exhibition at the Turbine House in Reading as a guest. The exhibition was a success and it was wonderful to be able to take some time to attend the private view and meet some of the participating artists in person. The exhibition coincided with me ‘solo-parenting’ for a week while Craig went to a festival, Harrison and I got on extremely well on our own though of course we were very happy when he returned.

Woodland Study VI at The Arborealists and Guests Exhibition at The Turbine House

Summer was spent picnicking with friends, fruit picking, taking walks, visiting National Trust gardens, Harrisons very first day at the beach and several trips to Lymington to indulge in pub lunches with my grandparents. Inspired by all the flowers we’d seen on our day trips I started making more and more floral drawings, most of which were on beautiful handmade paper that I’d sourced. The drawings that I made and shared led to a few commissions which I was grateful for but found to lead to a bit of anxiety as I felt under pressure to create the perfect drawing. Several of the floral drawings went on display at The Sheep Shed Gallery in Weyhill for an exhibition titled Where Flowers Bloom, as I’d hoped when I had a solo exhibition in 2018 I now have a lovely relationship with the gallery which has led to me being asked to exhibit in group shows a few times.

A Favourite Commission - Seeded Eucalyptus

Gardenia Commission

August 28th was a heartbreaking day as we had to say goodbye to our beloved golden retriever, Megan. She loved us unconditionally and brought us 14 years of joy and laughs. We still miss her everyday.

In September we attended the wedding of one of my dear university friends, Harrison stopped breastfeeding and we finished two terms worth of Baby Sensory classes. It really felt like Harrison was starting to go from baby to little boy. In October we were gifted five nights stay in Craig’s sisters caravan in the New Forest. We went for windy walks along the coast of Milford-on-Sea, ate pub lunches and drank hot chocolates, visited beautiful Exbury Gardens and took a walk from Beaulieu to Bucklers Hard. Since moving into our flat in January we had experienced some really awful noise disturbances from our upstairs neighbour, combined with lack of sleep and a fairly constant feeling of exhaustion we were so grateful to be able to escape for a few days to enjoy true peace and quiet. A new mortgage, new car and a new baby on basically one income meant that ‘adventures’ were a little few and far between throughout the year so a free trip really meant a lot and gave us some lovely memories - our first holiday just us three!

In November Craig and I celebrated 13 years together, we got to enjoy an uninterrupted brunch while Harrison slept peacefully in his pram and in the afternoon we took him to our local National Trust estate, The Vyne for a little DIY family portrait session. I also released two brand new giclée prints taken from my ‘woodland study’ series of drawings, they came out better than expected and I hope that many will find new homes.

In December I had two drawings on display at The Sheep Shed Gallery in Weyhill at an exhibition titled Synergy. I was pleased to learn that both drawings sold. The rest of the month was all about enjoying our first festive season together as a new family. I took some time away from social media after the results of the general election and realised that I’d like to take a break more often, I’m so guilty of constantly scrolling and spend a lot of my time liking, commenting and sharing other peoples work that I frankly felt quite burnt out. It’s great to support other people by engaging as it does make a difference but I was making it too much of a priority, feeling bad if I missed somebody’s post.

Winter Tree, pen on paper

It’s been a big year personally and that’s one of the reasons why my art business has not done as well as 2018 as I haven’t been able to devote as much time to it. In 2018 I sold over 100 drawings, in 2019 I sold around 40. In 2018 my website received over 7000 unique visitors, in 2019 just under 4000. I only managed a few journal entries in all of 2019 whereas in 2018 I ran an artist interview series and wrote some very personal posts too which got a lot of traction. Without new posts being added regularly it’s hard to get people to click on to your website, this year I’d like to increase my journal entries again, possibly by doing ‘artist spotlights’ where I write about other artists work, like an interview but without having to bother the artists with lots of questions.

Mottisfont in July - A New Woodland Study Drawing

I would also like to create more drawings that I can make prints from to create a little bit more passive income, I’m in receipt of child benefit as our household income is under the £50,000 threshold but I don’t receive maternity pay. The only money I have is money I make from my shop, child benefit and money that Craig gives me. I very rarely buy myself anything, most of the money that goes into my account goes on formula for Harrison, activities for him like ‘messy play’ and other baby groups, food shopping and household essentials. I’d love to be able to make enough that I don’t have to ask for money from my partner, can buy things that I need easily and things that Harrison needs too. Ultimately I’d like to earn enough to be able to have my income taken into account when we move on from our flat and into a house, it’s going to be a big financial struggle moving on as house prices in our area of north Hampshire get more expensive and not enough affordable housing is built.

It’s been one hell of a year, we’re used to working hard and travelling hard - our twenties were all about adventures to faraway lands but 2019 was probably our biggest adventure yet; parenthood. We couldn’t be prouder parents of our little boy, he’s fast approaching his first birthday and has such a big personality, mischievous, cheeky with an eye for trouble. We love making memories with him and hope 2020 will be a great year full of fun. My art making and business running has to slot in around Harrison these days but I like to think that I can make 2020 more productive so that I can spin both plates of artist and mum.

Harrison’s First Christmas

Have you written a review of your year or hopes and goals for 2020? I'd love to read if so, let me know in the comments below. 

If you enjoyed reading then please click the heart at the bottom, share or better still leave me a comment, I love reading them. ❤️

Harrison’s Birth Story

This is something completely different, if you’re here for the drawings of landscapes, sweet little birds and trees then you may want to scroll on past. I won’t be offended! I conducted a poll on my twitter account and on instagram stories to see if anyone would be interested in reading about how my beautiful son, Harrison was born. The overwhelming answer was yes! The idea of sharing came about because when I was expecting I read Charlotte Jacklin’s positive birth story blog post and I watched the YouTube video that Rachel Harrison of onrshop shared too. Both went into detail of how their babes were born and really helped me feel a little more prepared for my own labour. I thought it might be weird for me to share though as my usual content is art and sometimes travel related and a birth story is a very personal story but as one lady named Jane commented on Twitter; 

”Anything that gets the message out that it needn’t be hellish is a good thing. If you just help one woman, it’s worth it.”

I couldn’t agree more so here we are. 

When people find out you’re pregnant you tend to get a lot of opinions and thoughts thrown at you. I was told by a few other people how their labours went and some words like ‘horrendous’ and ‘awful’ cropped up. Needless to say it didn’t put me in a very positive mindset and contributed to feelings of dread about how painful my labour would be. When you’ve carried a baby in a big bump for months it feels almost impossible that a time will come when you have to get the baby out.  

I was 41 weeks pregnant, feeling absolutely huge and wondering when my little one who I’d waited so patiently for would make an appearance. Craig and I had just got the keys to our first home together and had managed to paint a few rooms and conduct one hell of a clean up in anticipation of our new arrival. It had been snowing the week before, once again Basingstoke had made it on to the national news because the snow had caused total gridlock but it had now cleared and the route to the hospital where I’d planned to deliver was drivable again. I felt a mix of feelings; anxiety about the birth and excitement to meet our baby. I was tired but felt pretty well considering my big bump was making getting around quite difficult. It was a Wednesday and I was a week overdue already, I had a routine midwife appointment booked for the next day and an induction booked for the following Monday just in case. I really didn’t want to be induced as my hope was that I could have a water birth and an induction would put paid to that. Late on Wednesday night I had ‘the show’ - a small part of the mucas plug had come away. Finally I thought, something is happening. I went to my midwife appointment as scheduled on the Thursday where Zoe my midwife performed a stretch and sweep to try and get things moving, all of mine and baby’s observations were looking good and I was 1cm dilated. On Friday morning at roughly 5am, early labour began. I felt waves of abdominal aches like period pains but I wouldn’t describe them as painful, I was reluctant to even call them contractions. The aches were dull and uncomfortable but passed quickly. We used an app to time the length and frequency of the contractions, they lasted roughly 40 seconds and were 3-4 minutes apart.

After a time I had a hot bath which really helped to relax me and soothe the aches which were getting stronger. Craig put Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on to keep me calm and happy, I breathed deeply through each contraction with Craig rubbing my back as we’d been taught in NCT class. Craig insisted on calling the Labour Line but I felt that there was still a long way to go and so put him off calling until the contractions started becoming a little more intense. Once things had started progressing I let him call. The Labour Line advised Craig to keep me calm and hydrated and to call again when my contractions were more intense. We followed advice and called again once the contractions had gotten about a minute long and were stronger. The advice was to keep doing as we were doing and to call again once I could no longer focus on anything but getting through the contraction. It was about 4pm by the time I’d reached that point and we were told to come in. 

We reached the hospital, my contractions were coming regularly and were strong. We were pointed in the direction of one of the pool rooms after requesting it over the phone. I was examined and was at 4cm and in established labour which I was pretty pleased with as I was allowed to get into the pool. It took an age to fill up the giant tub, I attempted to stand and lean forward on Sophie the midwifes advice before stripping down to my maternity bra and getting in the warm water. The lights were dimmed and electric candles were lit creating a relaxing atmosphere, the radio was on and I remember the warm water really taking the edge off each contraction. I kneeled down leaning on the side of the pool with my head in Craig’s elbow crook at each contraction and after a time started using the gas and air. I found that the gas and air didn’t seem to do much while I was breathing it in until after I took it away when I’d feel a lightheaded woozy rush to my head. It certainly helped me focus on my breathing though which I tried to keep as deep as possible as Craig had kept reminding me to do all day. 

Baby’s heartbeat was monitored regularly but other than that I was left to it in the pool, I had no idea how many centimetres I was dilated or how long the process would take. I wasn’t clock watching and so my sense of time was distorted, it felt like I was only in the pool for a short time before I felt something really happening. There was a strange sensation below, almost like the head was being born which sent me into a bit of a panic because a) it seemed too soon for that and b) because the midwife was out of the room! Craig attracted attention and the midwife took a look, the membrane containing the waters (amniotic fluid) had half come out and was dangling there but hadn’t broken. It felt like there was a half inflated balloon between my legs. By this time it was nearly handover so there was a new midwife in the room and a student midwife too. All three midwives said they’d never seen anything like it before. In my semi delirious state I could hear them talking about how weird it was which isn’t what you want to hear when in labour!

Sophie the midwife had left, I continued contracting and could hear the two new midwives Amy and Abbie chatting with Craig and telling me to listen to my body. I’d started to feel this incredible sensation at each contraction which was so strong I couldn’t breathe the gas and air through it. Those sensations were my body pushing the baby right down, or at least I assumed they were! The pressure felt nearly unbearable but would quickly pass, I kept reminding myself that the intensity wouldn’t last long. Although I’d never experienced labour before the pushing sensation felt oddly familiar, like when you’re being sick and your whole body tenses up and you can’t breathe. Soon I felt the baby’s head, there was a sharp burning pain and as the contraction ended I could feel the head move back up. By this point I was actively pushing though I don’t remember anyone telling me to push, I was just doing it. The baby’s head was born, Amy and Abbie told me to push a little more to get baby’s chin out. With the next wave of pain I pushed and our baby was out, it was 8.39pm. I lifted myself up a bit from my kneeling position, reached down into the water which was now bright red and picked up our baby.

Craig and I discovered together that we had a boy and I held him to my chest feeling elated. It was done and he was here safely. He grunted a little but didn’t cry, he was slippery to touch and felt rather big with chubby cheeks and strong arms and legs. I’d hoped to do optimal cord clamping where the cord wouldn’t be cut for a time while I held the baby to my chest for skin to skin but although my request was written in my birth plan it didn’t happen. With hindsight I think this may have been because I’d lost a lot of blood and they needed me to get out of the pool to be examined. Craig cut the cord and the baby was whisked away while I was helped out of the pool. Shakily I walked to the bed where I held our son who was wrapped in a towel. He was the most perfect thing I’d ever seen. Craig took him for skin to skin while I birthed the placenta, I’d opted to try and expel it without an injection and after several pushes which was more effort than I’d expected it came out.

We decided to name our son Harrison, he was weighed and everyone’s guesses were blown out the water as the scale read 4.550kg between 10lbs and 10lbs one ounce. I was examined and told that it looked like I’d torn quite significantly. A surgeon was brought in who conducted a thorough examination which I needed to use gas and air for, I found the exam to be incredibly painful and I’d just pushed out a 10lb baby! Unfortunately he found that I’d suffered a third grade tear which needed to be repaired in theatre under a spinal block. After calling my mum I was carted away and spent a few hours on the surgeons table with a spinal block, a catheter, a cannula feeding me a drip and a blood pressure cuff inflating every few minutes. It wasn’t how I’d hoped to spend my first hours as a new mum and meant I wasn’t able to give Harrison his first feed which I was quite upset about. After midnight I was wheeled to recovery and reunited with Craig and Harrison.

Thanks to the tear and 1 litre blood loss my recovery was going to be a little slower and more painful than anticipated but my boy was here and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I consider my birth story to be a positive one even though it wasn’t completely straightforward. I’m so lucky to have had the water birth I wanted and to have been able to bring my own son through the water and on to my chest. I hope my experience helps other parents-to-be realise that labour and birth doesn’t have to be a horrible ordeal. Harrison is three weeks old today and although I’m still recovering it really is true that you start to forget the pain you went through in labour. When I think back the strongest memory I have is that first look at Harrison as I held him to my chest with Craig by my side. Pure happiness and pride coursed through my body at this perfect human we’d made from scratch. 

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