Thirty

Flowers For My Thirtieth 

I wanted to write something about turning thirty because it felt like a bit of a big deal, entering another decade, a milestone. I kept putting it off because it seemed a little self indulgent and also, is thirty actually a big deal? Now that I am thirty I don't feel any different, in fact, internally I still feel like I'm in my early twenties. I haven't got the responsibilities that many thirty-somethings do have, like a mortgage, a marriage or children, maybe that's why I still feel relatively young and carefree? Despite this I do feel like I am a little wiser than I was in my twenties and so even with my reservations I decided that I did want to write something down, if only to have a few words to look back on in years to come.

The feeling of being wiser boils down to three main things that I've learned and that have helped me find peace in my life, I'm sharing those three things here. They are personal so forgive me for exposing some of my deepest feelings, being open and honest takes courage. 

Learning To Forgive

The following isn't news, I've touched upon it before, it has even informed my art work. In order to explain what I've learned I have to tell a bit of a story. My parents separated when I was seven, my dad left to live with another family. My brother and I continued to see our dad and we continued to live in the house with our mum that he paid the mortgage on even though he wasn't there anymore. Years later when my brother and I had reached adulthood he decided to sell the house so that he could forge a new life by buying a property of his own. I took it hard. When you feel like you're being pushed out of the home that you spent nearly 20 years in, where all of your childhood memories are, it hurts deeply. Upset turned to anger and I didn't speak to my dad for a long time. Even though there was rationality to what he was doing, I couldn't see it. I was annoyed that while he was using the house-sale to fund buying a beautiful home in an idyllic part of England, my mum, brother and I had to move from a village into a small house in an estate location in town. It felt unfair, like we were going backwards. My resentment was painful, it ate me up. I hated not being able to talk to my dad but at the same time I couldn't forgive what he was doing, all those heavy feelings from childhood came flooding back and the only way I could deal with it was to ignore him, to stay silent when he was there, to avoid him altogether. 

We moved into our new house and some months later dad came round to say goodbye as he was moving to a new home in a county over four hours drive away. As he turned to walk out the door my emotions got the better of me, tears welled up and I couldn't take it anymore. The bitterness that I'd lived with for years was too much to bear, I decided there and then to forgive him and to work at having a father/daughter relationship again. It wasn't easy and there are still times when I think about how different our lives could have been if we'd stayed together as a family but I try not to let those thoughts interfere with reality. Broken families are so normal that it's heartbreaking and my story is similar to so many. When feelings are hurt and lives are changed it can be easier to block out the emotions and ignore the problem but in my case it made me too sad. Life is too short to hold on to grudges and I feel much better having a relationship with my dad. In my case learning to forgive has been freeing.

My Own Path

Deciding to be an artist, to travel and to do things my own way has not been easy. When I was younger I thought I would do certain things by a certain age; mortgage by 28, child by 30. I didn't anticipate that I'd take a year out to study a Fine Art MA or that travel would make my heart sing so much that I'd go on two long backpacking trips. Mortgages and children take sacrifices and I was too busy enjoying the freedom of not having those things. But living life this way did make me question myself, no one else in my family had done this. Was I doing life the wrong way round? It seemed like adult life should follow a set route; marriage, a mortgage, then children, then once the mortgage was paid and the children had grown you could start enjoying yourself. But personally I was too impatient and worried that I wouldn't make it to retirement age, a little morbid but that's just how my brain works. What if I spent my life working and paying bills only to keel over before I got to see the world and enjoy pottering around? I had worried that I was being left behind in the life stakes, with friends and peers owning homes, having good careers and making family plans before me. But I came to the realisation that I wasn't doing anything wrong, neither were those living life the opposite way to me. With time I realised that we're all doing what we think is best for us, we all want different things out of life and we all have our own ideas about what makes a good life too. I'm moving into my thirties feeling happy and content with what I have achieved so far and excited for what's to come. 

Self-acceptance

Shyness, introversion and being overly sensitive. All me, and all things that I've found painful growing up. Being an INFJ personality type who is also shy and a bit socially awkward is something that I've beat myself up over in the past. I've told myself to try and be more outgoing, to go and start a conversation with that person, to 'get out of my shell'. But I like my shell, I like my own company and quiet moments to think and daydream. Rather than try and change my whole personality I decided to embrace it. Reading up on what introversion means and finding similar souls on social media has definitely helped. I will always be that shy freckled girl, hiding away at a party, letting everyone else talk. I will always be the listener, the quiet thinker who doesn't always feel comfortable in groups of three or more. That's alright, if you're happy with yourself even if you are a little different then brilliant, don't try and change. 

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Forgiveness, forging my own path and accepting myself. It feels like I have come a long way over the last decade and a bit of adulthood. As I'm a few days into a brand new decade I am going to take what I have learned and expand on them, with the hope that the older I get the more I can learn about the world and about myself too.

Any thoughts or comments are most welcome but please remember that I am a real person, putting my heart on my sleeve and speaking from my own experiences and learnings. My writing isn't perfect but I hope you can understand the gist of what I am trying to say and I'd love to know if you have any wisdom to share. Be kind, always. 

If you enjoyed reading then please click the heart at the bottom, share or better still leave me a comment, I love reading them. ❤️

30 Before 30

In March I turned 29. No big deal I thought, it's OK to be 29 with no career, no house, no car and no savings. Totally OK *panicked face*. I chose to spend my twenties doing things a little different to the norm. I decided to travel, to see the world and to experience things outside of my comfort zone. As my twenties winds down I don't regret a thing. Sure, I'd love to have my own home by now, and a career I'm passionate about but the truth is I struggled fitting in working hard to save money and travelling (as well as university twice) into the past decade so I don't reasonably think I could have also bought a house and made a career too.

In an attempt to feel less panicked about getting older and with my second backpacking adventure coming to a close I decided that it's time to think about the next step and the things that I want to achieve before I turn 30. I read a blog post in 2015 by Emily Quinton of Makelight, in it Emily wrote a list of her 40 things to achieve before she turned 40 later that year. It got me thinking about my own goals or things I wanted to tick off the list by my next birthday milestone. 

A little while ago I started to actually write my list after thinking about it for a long time. There are some very big things on there and some tiny things. Some for the sheer joy of experiencing something new, or a thing I've done and always wanted to do again. Some to further my knowledge and further my travels. Some to help me move forward with my life and help with my creative practice as an artist. 

* Backpack South America ✔️

* Visit India ✔️

* Move in with Craig

* Exhibit in London (again)

* Make a zine

* Climb a mountain

* Visit the Scottish Highlands

* Go walking on the Isle of Wight

* Complete a sketchbook

* Make pottery

* Weekend in Cambridge ✔️

* Weekend in Tallinn, Estonia or another Baltic Country

* Buy a bicycle with a basket

* Host a Garden Party

* Read three classic* books (2/3) *modern classic acceptable! 

* See three classic movies (1/3)

* Camp in the Wild ✔️

* Afternoon tea at The Ritz/Sketch in London ✔️

* See Monet's Waterlilies in Paris

* Complete a '100 day project' ✔️

* Make a large scale painting/drawing

* Go on an artist residency

* Professionally frame my drawings

* Establish an online store ✔️

* Grow chillies for Craig

* Bake a cake

* Forest of Dean holiday ✔️

* Horse ride again ✔️

* Renovate my mums garden

* Become a runner

Some, like that last one are doubtful but I'm hopeful I can at least give it a go. I'm one of those people who absolutely loves any kind of list so the thought of being able to tick something off will give me the kick I need to get off my bum. I'm hopeful that by giving myself fun goals I can ease into a new decade without feeling too pressured or anxious by the things I haven't yet achieved. As my 30th is next March I've kept some things off the list like buying a house and finding a dream job as I know I'll never fulfil those goals by 30. But, theres always a 40 before 40 to write!

Thank you Emily for inspiring me and for helping me to be brave by putting my little and large goals out into the world.

Do you have a list of things to achieve in your life or by a certain age? Are you someone who has a bucket list? I'd love to know what some of your goals are, big or little, silly or serious. Let me know in the comments below. 

If you enjoyed reading then please click the heart at the bottom, share or better still leave me a comment, I love reading them.

Travelling as an Introvert

The Introverted Traveller

Just to give a little bit of context; I've always been quiet. In school I'd never raise my hand even if I knew the answer, teachers would comment that I was a daydreamer although they didn't phrase it in such a nice way. Dozy, that's what they used to say to me. It's a memory that still hurts. I'd pretend to write so that I wasn't asked a question in front of the class. Despite appearances I was paying attention, I just never let on; because if I looked like I knew the answer I might be asked about it or singled out. Being singled out in front of the class was the worst.

Quiet, shy with anxiety induced blushing. That last part is a wordy way of saying 'I go red all the time'. Not only if I'm embarrassed but if I see a friend in the street I'm not expecting to see or if more than a couple of people have their attention on me. Public speaking is a no-go and I find it very tough even joining a conversation at a party. Being kind of quiet is one thing but the fear of going red when I speak makes things so much harder.

There are lots of people I wish I had the courage to talk to more; when I was at university I had a network of my closest friends but struggled widening the net, I couldn't just walk up to someone and have a chat even if we were on the same course. The blushing would stop me, if it was someone I was intimidated by in any way or someone I admired then I knew I would embarrass myself so it was easier to not say anything. On my Fine Art degree I think I only had one critique with the whole class in three years, on my Fine Art Masters degree I didn't have any.

Now, being a shy introvert while travelling is hard. I'm lucky in that I have an outgoing other half who is able to chat to people freely. He can engage with strangers easily, enjoys socialising and doesn't fret about saying the wrong thing. He asks the questions and starts the conversations. I sit there listening, sometimes I try to chime in but a lot of the time I don't. If there's a social gathering going on in the hostel I usually won't take part. I find crowds or more than a few people overwhelming and small talk very tiring. The other day in Bogotá for example; Craig joined in with cocktails and chat with a large group of backpackers while I retreated to a quiet table to write in my journal and pet the hostels German shepherd. Like that wonderful Gemma Correll illustration I'm the one on the floor stroking the pets at a party. I worry that I'm perceived as grumpy or unfriendly sometimes because I'm not joining in. I'm sure my other half wishes I was more outgoing too; it would make things easier. It's always up to him to ask the bus driver if we're going the right way or to get directions from a stranger in the street. 

This is a very personal thing for me to write. Because being introverted, shy and awkward induces anxiety and makes me a very emotional person. On this trip I've cried a lot, when things haven't gone as planned or when I've found being away too overwhelming. I'll sometimes think about my quiet place at home, visions of surrounding myself in the cosy duvet that's thousands of miles away. 

Only in recent years have I learned why I am the way I am and by learning a little about myself I've also learned to accept myself a little more too. I read Quiet by Susan Cain recommended to me by an online friend. It radically changed the way I thought of myself and helped me to understand what being an introvert means. I've learned that I'm an INFJ personality type, apparently the rarest. It means that I'm a person that needs time to recharge often, that I can also be highly sensitive too. It also means that I'm a great listener to those that I feel connected with and that I have a great deal of compassion for others. It's what makes me a creative person, I see the world in a different way and I think (and overthink) a lot. 

I find it so challenging to travel, even with a partner because it goes against that voice in my head that says stay at home, you don't want to interact today. But, travelling is what I do and it is a big part of who I am. I've learned that I can be adventurous and quiet. I carve time out to be by myself which is a hard thing to do in a backpacker community but it's necessary for me. And I'm learning not to apologise for it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's ok, I'm realising that I don't have to be an outgoing person to be a traveller. It's not all Full Moon Party's and bar crawls. It's whatever I want it to be, slow days at a hostel, peaceful walks through national parks and plenty of time for contemplation.

Over the course of this trip I've worried somewhat about the way I'm perceived by others but by being away and out of my comfort zone I'm slowly learning not to care and to instead think about the positives of being an introvert. I take time to listen; to birds singing and to people chatting. I look more closely at details and thoughtfully leave myself notes to remember how I felt at that moment. I let my imagination run wild and ponder the big questions. I'm grateful to be able to see the world through my own special lens, one that transforms landscapes into paintings and flora into poetry. Being the quiet girl allows me the time to contemplate and when all is said and done I wouldn't change that for anything. 

Are you a quiet person, a traveller or both? Does it feel like being introverted stands in your way at all or that it defines you in a negative or a positive way? I'd love to know your thoughts.